So here we are… one last night of sleep (heh, we’ll see if that happens) before the dawn of a new era in my life.  There’s no turning back now, not that I ever wanted to since Heidi crawled back in to bed with me one morning, snuggled up and asked:

“Chovan’s having a baby, right?”

“Yup”, I mumbled.

“Looks like his kid will have somebody to kick him out of the band some day.”

“…”

“WHAT?!?!”

And that’s was the very first moment that I knew I was about to be a dad.

Looking back at these past several months, I can without a doubt say it has changed me in a lot of ways.  Moments of great excitement, to moments of self-doubt; always accompanied by wonder and day-dreaming years in to our future.  There were moments when I’d be driving in my car and glance over to the passenger seat thinking to myself that someday my kid is going to be sitting there talking about something… “what would we be talking about”, I wondered.  “Would they want to listen to the same music I’m listening to now?”  It was moments like these that made the wait seem even longer, but it also made me think that all my worries about the dreaded teen-age years are a long long ways away, and that I had better focus on the “now” with our little spawn.  I realized that it was probably a good thing that time seemed to slow down… if that makes any sense, which considering what we’ll be waking up to, I’ll be surprised if any of this makes any sense. 

So, what am I feeling right now?  Definitely nervous.  I know Heidi will do great, but still… I am taking some comfort in knowing that we live in age of very good drugs.  At this rate, I’ll probably need them before Heidi, and she’ll probably out-shine me in the category of courage and resilience, and not require any drugs at all!

I’m also looking forward to seeing my Mom and Dad hold their new grand-child.  How crazy will that be??

I wonder how Wiindigo, Jack and Cambria will re-act to her?  I expect that they will be very loving of her, and I can’t wait to see that my expectations come to fruition.  I wonder if I’ll really screw up those first few diapers.  I wonder what it will be like to fall asleep with her in my arms.  I wonder what it will feel like to make eye contact with her.  I wonder when she’ll laugh for the first time, and if she’ll have that constant grin on her face like her old man.   I wonder…. uh oh… Heidi’s looking at me and rolling her finger tips on the arm rest of the chair she’s sitting on… I suppose I better stop typing and get hugging.  Tomorrow is but a sleepy blink away.